I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria’s face is frozen in that puckered position.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it’s often in huge tits, too.

As an enlisted sailor, I don’t feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I’m going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

They say that dog is man’s best friend, and I think it’s true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch my food and hump my wife.

Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it’s frowned upon at the strip club.

A great road trip. To come back in Cleveland to win that series and get these two ... no excuses, but it's been a long road trip for just five games. It's huge going 4-1. Cleveland has a great team and Tampa Bay is playing better. But we pitched well and scored some runs. We're starting to jell together.

He buzzed my tower, ... and guys in the dugout got upset.

He can hit. I mean, it's not like you're sending an out up there every time.

He can hit. It's not like you're sending an out up there every time.

I feel all right, my swing just doesn't feel quite right. In batting practice you can get away with a lot of stuff, but a game is different. I just want to get it calmed down and have the feeling mentally that I can go out and perform.